I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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