Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
It was like getting head from an anaconda
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
