omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
