I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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