my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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