do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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