dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
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