does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
My Higher Power is John Stamos
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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