Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Watching her eat just hurts me
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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