Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
