my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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