Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
