Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
