Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
