weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
