So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
