Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
