drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
