the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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