So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize