I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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