mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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