im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
