____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
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