when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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