bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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