You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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