I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
