I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
