His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
