you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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