I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
