oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
