just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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