hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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