I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
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