Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
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