Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Bring me that man meat
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
