i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
