i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
my being single is dangerous.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Randomize
