Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
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