He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
