it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
