Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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