Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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