Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
