No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize