it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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