We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
