Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
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