The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
