well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
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