Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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