All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Randomize
