oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
