I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
