toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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