fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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