im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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