Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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