genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
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