Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize