Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i've created a new STD.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
