I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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