i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Randomize
