You can't motorboat a personality
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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