how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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