She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
