i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Randomize
