I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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