Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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