Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
