I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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