i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
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