Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
