jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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