the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
