He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
