got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Randomize
